reviewthislife

It's my world – and I'm grading it

Category: stupid stuff that shits me

This Article Titled “23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged When You’re 23”

Maybe I woke up grumpy today – that’s a perfectly redundant statement, I wake up grumpy every day.

Maybe I stayed grumpy today, maybe I’m extra tired… maybe the sound of screaming children at 7:30am punched a hole in my aura next to my heart and the darkness has rushed in like so much air infiltrating a vacuum bag that your cat has punctured with its big dumb claws. Or maybe I just really dislike asshole opinions and bad writing. Whatever the reason, this article is shitting me.

Overview: A 22 year old girl accuses her 22 year old fellows of hiding from life inside the institution of marriage and missing out on all the things, and provides a list of said things that you should do before selling out and settling down.

Hey there, sweety-dear – your view of marriage is not infallible fact. This view, that:

“It is a way for young people to hide behind a significant other instead of dealing with life’s highs and lows on their own. It’s a safety blanket. It’s an admission that the world is just too big and scary to deal with it on your own; thus, you now have someone that is legally obligated to support you till one of you dies or files for divorce.”

is limited, negative, and entirely subjective. It’s also really fucking condescending. If two people decide to get married, then they must be in a relationship to start with. And if they’re in a relationship, that usually means that they have feelings for one another. Who are you to make comment on that? You, by your own admission, at the age of 22, have no idea who you are and what you’re doing; why do you think, then, that you are qualified to pass judgement on someone else and what they’re doing?

I am 35 years old and I have yet to be in a serious relationship (I don’t think that what happened between 15 and 17 really counts). So when the topic of relationship advice comes up, do you know what I say? “I have never been in a serious relationship, so I’m not qualified to give advice.” That’s a hint to you.

I also highly doubt that you have “already experienced more of the world in the last 22 years than [your] married peers will ever experience in their life”. You’re 22, not 72, and for the first 18 or so of those 22 years you were doing exactly the same fucking thing as them: being a pain in the ass kid. Maybe if you were 32, minimum, and 8 years divorced from a failed early marriage, I would concede that you could be justified in giving life advice. Paradoxically though, 32-year-olds don’t generally go around telling people what to do, they’ve learned to keep their fool mouths shut and let people make their own life choices.

I won’t bother picking out the finer details of the article, pointing out that marriage doesn’t actually render you incapable of being able to “grow, learn, travel, party, cuddle, read, explore”, or that “those friends are going to get knocked up and fat soon soooo in retrospect, who really is winning here?” is the most immature, snide comment that I have read in the last… week, surely. I’ll leave that to you, the reader. What I am going to get straight to is The List:

23 things to do instead of getting engaged before you’re 23

1. Get a passport – “fill out a bunch of paperwork, pose for a stupid photo and fork out a wad of cash”; what a fucking achievement.

2. Find your “thing.” – You might find your “thing” at 15. You might find it at 50. Some people don’t ever find it, and even more people don’t actually have one. Most importantly though, marriage need not stop you from doing this.

3. Make out with a stranger – Did you never go to a dance in high school?

4. Adopt a pet – I… what? A pet??

5. Start a band – I… what? What cliched world have you lifted this one from?

6. Make a cake. Make a second cake. Have your cake and eat it too – Make. a. cake. If the percentage of people in the Western world who reached the end of their childhood without having made a fucking cake is higher than 10%, I’ll eat a fucking sock.

7. Get a tattoo. It’s more permanent than a marriage – That’s some stellar advice right there. Make it a Chinese/Japanese symbol for “moron” and place it on your lower back.

8. Explore a new religion – Why? What if religion doesn’t interest me?

9. Start a small business – Again, why? I have no interest in starting my own business.

10. Cut your hair – In the words of a friend:

“Really – get a pet? Make out with a stranger? CUT YOUR HAIR? Is she Amish?”

11. Date two people at once and see how long it takes to blow up in your face – That’s just nasty. Why advocate toying with people’s feelings?

12. Build something with your hands – Again, high school.

13. Accomplish a Pinterest project – Holy shit. Excuse me while I bow down in the face of everything that you have achieved.

14. Join the Peace Corps – see points 8 & 9 and adjust accordingly.

15. Disappoint your parents – I feel like a fucking parrot. High school.

16. Watch Girls, over and over again – That sounds like a valuable use of my time and energy, and if it’s going to make me grow as a person…

17. Eat a jar of Nutella in one sitting – you so ZANY!

18. Make strangers feel uncomfortable in public places – Welcome to my world, Sweetpea.

19. Sign up for CrossFit – No. I don’t want to. I have no interest in doing that.

20. Hangout naked in front of a window – zany AND sexual *reow*

21. Write your feelings down in a blog – Yes, I should do that immediately, before I fall in love and my ability to convey thoughts through words is lost underneath a never-ending pile of wet towels and faded men’s trunks with one small hole right underneath the waistband (big enough to be annoying, not big enough to justify throwing them out just yet). Also – HIGH SCHOOL.

22. Be selfish – Do you even know any married couples? Apparently that’s all they do.

23. Come with me to the Philippines for Chinese New Year – I think I’d rather have root canal surgery*.

*the funny thing about that is that I actually would, I have an infection that I’m dying to get rid of.

I appreciate that you’re living it up and having the time of your life, but not only do you not have any right whatsoever to impose your views on anyone, your views are also extremely skewed. I’ll discuss them over the weekend with my friend who just came home from an amazing trip to India with his wife, and my younger sister who married at age 23 and would not give up her husband and two sons for anything in the world. There is no: “It literally isn’t me, it’s them.” No one is making the wrong decision.

Also, just giving you a little heads up: you don’t actually have as much time as you think. See, while you’re running around becoming you, evolving into the sort of person that people will want to marry, other people are getting married. By the time you’re “ready”, your market will have decreased significantly, and on top of that, you’re going to be so worldly and experienced and amazing that you won’t be willing to put up with the shit that people your age now are willing to put up with. I can see your future – and there’s a lot of red wine and cat hair up in that shit.

2/10 – because you’re published and I’m not

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Aussie Bodies

So I was making my way to work today, walking the 15 minutes or so to my bus stop, when a bus of a different route drove past me. “Hmm,” I thought to myself, “if I’d caught that to my bus stop, I wouldn’t be so late for work.” And then the bus was well ahead of me, and I saw the back of it, which had this ad emblazoned across it:

protein

Words really cannot describe the bullshit contained therein… but I’ll try

At which point my thoughts took on the form of “Fuck you, assholes!”

I don’t really need to explain myself here, do I? You can see how fucked up and dangerous this is?

I am going to explain, though, because I’m cranky.

Stage 1 of perceiving this ad: “High self esteem comes from being physically attractive”

That is essentially what it’s telling me. In order to have high self esteem, to have a high regard for my own sense of self worth, I need to be slim and pretty.

“But ad,” I said to the back of the bus, “I don’t place such a high value on being thin. Like, I want to be thin, and I want to be pretty… but the things that really make me feel good about myself come from elsewhere.”

Stage 2 of perceiving this ad: “Your values are wrong”

It’s right there in larger than life image and text, this is what is going to make you feel good about yourself, and if you think differently, you’re wrong. There is no room in this ad for “if you happen to place a high value on physical appearance then being thin will make you feel better about yourself, and we believe our protein bars might help you to achieve that.” No, it said to me, no no NO, the things that you think make you a worthwhile person are wrong. WRONG.

“But ad, like… if I’m wrong, and you’re right, and I don’t look like that… what do I do to fix it? HOW CAN I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF??”

We need their product, of course.

The hypocrisy at play here is so glaringly blatant and obvious, but you know what? I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t even see it themselves. The company’s name is Aussie Bodies, and a google search brings up the following by-line:

Aussie Bodies promotes good health and fitness through protein supplements and drinks that gives you energy and nutrients for weight loss and bodybuilding.”

My head is seriously spinning, eyes jumping around from “good health” to “drinks that give you energy” and “weight loss”, “supplements”, then back to “good health”… you see it too, yes?

This spiel on the Vitamin King website claims that “Aussie Bodies is a rapidly growing, progressive Australian company dedicated to nourishing both body and mind” – how is telling everyone that they have to be thin and attractive in order to be worthwhile human beings going to nourish their minds? I’m stating the bleeding obvious here and I really hate doing that, but holy shit… amirite?

Have they even considered what “self esteem” actually is? I really hope not, because then they would also understand the effects of having negative self esteem. And to know that, to fully understand it, and to exploit it to try to make sales – that’s fucking despicable.

Hey, Aussie Bodies, you know what powers MY self esteem? Getting praise for my writing, and good marks at uni. Getting my head around a philosophical concept. Having friends who think I’m pretty awesome, that I’m a nice person with intelligence and humour.

And you know what fucks with my self esteem? Thinking too much about what I look like.

Another good thing about being me is that I can handle this, I know that it’s bullshit, and I’m not going to let it dictate my sense of self worth and make me feel bad about myself.

The more impressionable ones, though? You’re gonna fuck them up, Aussie Bodies *slow clap*

There isn’t a scale that a grade for this could be placed on… just imagine a steaming pile of dung with a used tampon sitting on top, that should adequately express the rating that I’ve given it.

rubi shoes

My 1,096 word review of rubi shoes:

Seriously, rubi, what the actual fuck? I have had these shoes for less than 6 weeks. I have not worn them every day, but even if I had, shit, I’m not climbing mountains in them, or fighting zombies. I’m just walking. Awkwardly, now.

Stupidly, I purchased these shoes to exactly replace a previous pair of rubi shoes that practically exploded on my feet when I tripped at a train station. I literally replaced them right there in the store, placing the new shoes on my feet and the fragmented shoes in the shopping bag. Never again.

2013-08-07 10.20.22

EDIT: Later that night…

2013-08-07 22.08.55

Warning! E.L.E Extinction Level Event Cover Up! Aug 2013!

I thought I would try my hand at reviewing this Extinction Level Event warning that my sister found on Gumtree.

1. a) Kudos to them for upholding their responsibilities for all that time! I would have told someone within 12 minutes of hearing it.

1. b) Ronald Reagan could not have known about it in 1983 if the idea originated in 1995. To make this work you would need to expand the conspiracy, for example: maybe Reagan was one of the Zetans?

2. If they have indeed known about it for 30 years, if it’s that big, I would think that we would have noticed something happening a lot sooner, yes? Something more substantial than the illusion of two suns? It makes no sense that *now*, July 2013, one month before the big event, is the time that the whole cover up is coming undone.

3. a) This is how clouds are formed.

3. b) Speculation, overruled.

4. Chinese TV would not be showing pictures of it if, as you claim, every government agency is part of the cover up.

5. As a technique, I find this to be too simple and cliched – it just so happens that your local paper has a picture of the phenomenon? Too convenient, consider revising.

6. Ok, is it a star? Or an entire solar system? You really need consistency here, this object is your entire argument.

7. Again, I’m coming up against some temporal and spatial issues. Is it orbiting our sun only? If so, it’s teeny tiny and pretty slow, taking 3,600 years to do one loop, and has had no affect on our planet. Or is it orbiting our solar system? If that were the case, see point 2 – it would be affecting other planets in our system by now, and those effects would be noticeable.

8. Contradictory advice – “Go to higher ground… Japan’s tsunami” implies flood action that will be caused by an internal tremor, but then you tell us to get us far underground as possible to hide from solar activity. You haven’t made the threat clear – “chaos” only works as an outcome when the threat is supernatural, eg. “The thing brings chaos wherever it goes!” If this is a real, physical event, it needs to have a real, physical outcome.

9. You know, we do have a Prime Minister. I don’t understand why everyone is always standing around waiting for the US to tell us what’s what.

10. What’s your source on this? You cannot give an exact percentage with backing it up.

11. You’ve got two temporal markers there: “one day” and “3 months ago”. One is enough.

SUMMARY

Spelling/grammar: appalling. I have no other words. You do not have to be an acclaimed researcher to know that bad spelling and grammar will instantly negate your claims in the eyes of the reader, so FFS, type it up in Word first and note the squiggly lines.

The theory itself is not an original claim by Steven M, so he can’t really be held accountable for it. What he can be blamed for, though, is his failure to note the inconsistencies and check the facts. I understand that he would be in a hurry to get the word out and warn people as quickly as possible, but an extra hour or so to plug up the holes would have made all the difference to the feasibility of the claim, and more lives would be saved in the long run.

Advice-wise, I’m torn on how to respond… “stock up on food and water and hide underground” may add credibility to the claim by being relatively commonsense, but it’s not nearly as exciting as, say, “wrap your firstborn in Alfoil and hide in a vat of cordial”. Either way, I’m just happy that he hasn’t done what the original harbinger of Nibiru Doom did, which was to advise the world to euthanise their pets and, potentially, feast on their carcases.

2/10 – as thanks for the concern and well-wishes.

The Hazards of New Technology

The creative process can consist of any number and combination of triggers, motivations and methodologies. I myself find that when writing critically I like to get it all done in go, whereas with this big creative piece I have coming it would be best to write steadily and roughly with many reviews and edits. Sometimes I will have an idea that steadily swells and festers over a period of days to weeks before it all comes out in a rush of word vomit – at other times *insert diametrically opposed analogy here*. Today’s entry came about as a result of the following occurences:

  1. I spent 80% of my working day reading articles on Cracked,
  2. I boarded the bus to go home and sat down next to man who refused to move his big fat elbows out of the way, and then
  3. I was checking out a guy, and then realised that he was wearing white Apple brand earphones… and that I was judging him for it

The shade went up in my mind, keys turned in locks, the little birdy-thing started drinking the water and now, I present to you, my list:

PHYSICAL HAZARDS BORN OF OUR NEW TECHNOLOGY

1. Chicken Elbows

I may as well start with the aforementioned fat, obtrusive elbow sydnrome. The problem here is that due to the advent of smartphones and tablets that people are constantly, like, doing things with, all of a sudden everyone is holding their hands up at boob level – and no one seems to know what the fuck to do with their elbows. Here’s a newsflash, people: your limbs have joints that allow them to move in an array of different directions. Your arms are not required to obey the geometric laws of reflection. It is entirely possible for you to hold up your freaking device and not take out the eyes, boobs and genitalia of anyone occupying the 30cm radius around you.

SUGGESTED SOLUTION: Stop being an inconsiderate twat and start paying attention to the movement of your body in space.

2. Specular Reflection

This phenomenon is dependent on the abovementioned laws of reflection, and occurs when light from a single incoming direction (a ray) is reflected into a single outgoing direction. What is happening here is that those devices that people are holding all have reflective surfaces, and when they hold them up on the bus/train/ferry, whilst in the vicinity of a decent light source – BLAMMO! The light of a thousand suns, squirted directly into your eye. This is an issue that I am very much aware of because I am one of those jerk bitches who leaves the house with her makeup half-done and finishes it off on the commute to work. But, being myself very conscious of the consequences of my actions and wishing to impose myself as little as possible on the people around me, I make a studious effort to a) sit on the side of the bus that is shaded, or b) wait until we drive through some shade before holding up my little mirror. Or even c) face the sun so that my reflective surface is pointed away from it. Incidentally, when Buddhists run out of consideration, they come and take some of mine.

SUGGESTED SOLUTION: Stop being an inconsiderate twat and start paying attention to the movement of light through space.

3. Aural Discomfort

This is where I Apple Bash. Aforementioned people have “smart devices”, the market is monopolised by Apple, and they make shitty shitty headphones. They’re loud, tinny, and ill-shaped. And when I say “aural discomfort” I am not referring to the destruction you are laying down upon your own hearing organs – I am referring to my discomfort, at having to listen to your shitty music, above my own earphones, whilst riding on a different bus. The problem doesn’t just lie there, though; back in the days of walkmans and discmans you had to be pretty dedicated to your music to carry it around with you, yes? Lugging around a bag full of tapes and/or cds, spending 5 minutes searching for the one track you want to hear, using your lap as a giant shock absorber whenever a bump is hit… now that we have these tiny devices that fit the entire freaking world in them, people are like MY PHONE CAN PLAY MUSIC, FUCK, I’D BETTER DOWNLOAD SOMETHING… WHAT’S “TRENDING” RIGHT NOW? The answer is: shit. What is trending now is shit.

SUGGESTED SOLUTION: Send an explosive dart of fire directly into the device of the offender, causing it to explode, and the resulting feedback to deafen them, thereby rendering music unneccesary.

4. Selective Sight

aka Dropped Blinker Vision. The “Blinker” refers to the things they make horses wear so that they can’t see anything but what’s directly in front of them. “Dropped” refers to the dropped posture of the head, meaning that what is directly in front of them is not the place toward which they are walking, but the fucking ground. Because morons be walking around staring directly at whatever thing they be holding down around their groin and paying absolutely no heed to anything that is around them. I am not suggesting here that people should not engage in any extra activity whilst walking. As well as being a Public Transport Groomer, I am a Walking Book Reader. But not once have I walked into anything whilst reading a book, and I will share my secret weapon with you: peripheral vision. It’s not a new concept. Peripheral vision is what our ancestors would have used to warn themselves of impending Smilodon attacks. It is what allows us to safely operate a vehicle without overly straining our neck and shoulder muscles. That thing that you just saw out of the corner of your eye? Causing you to shit yourself? Your peripheral vision picked that up. And if you must walk and look at a device at the same time, you can use this “peripheral vision” to stop you from walking into things.

SUGGESTED SOLUTION: Activate your innate sense of self-preservation and avoid the collision of your body with other objects in space/time.

5. PSYCHOLOGICAL AMBIGUITY

This problem is not “smart device” specific, but is moreso related to the technologies that allow people to talk on the phone hands-free. Everyone is now walking around and talking into thin air, and the problem with this is: I don’t know who’s crazy anymore. I could be widening my trajectory and adding 500m to my trip purely to avoid someone who is fighting with their accountant via a Bluetooth headset. Or worse, I could smile at an attractive man holding a very intense conversation with Mothra (whilst Jesus waits on the other line). The observable delineation of crazy has become obsolete.

SUGGESTED SOLUTION:

https://i2.wp.com/tvmedia.ign.com/tv/image/article/100/1001517/simpsons-starkravingdad-homer-michael_1246972370.jpg

The Hunger Games – novel*

* term used loosely

Full disclosure: I have a degree in literature. I am currently doing a Master of Arts in creative writing. I also have a copy of Twilight. I am semi-learned, somewhat biased as such, but I am also fair – I believe that every piece of writing has a place in the grander scheme, even if it is to help form the base of a pyramid. Yes, I have referred to my copy of Twilight as “the literary equivalent of a full frontal lobotomy”, but sometimes you need that. I appreciate that. I opened The Hunger Games in the same frame of mind, but alas, I didn’t close it that way. Somewhere along the way (probably when I first decided to read it) something went horribly wrong.

I classify The Hunger Games as “storm fiction”, as in “taken the world by”. Into this genre we can also place Twilight, 50 Shades of GreyThe Da Vinci Code? Yes, I think so. Anyway, so, let’s place this alongside Twilight – how is it that Twilight is so much better than this? When it is in itself a steaming pile of unsophisticated triteness? Well, Twilight is incredibly poor literature, yes; but it’s about vampires. Hot teenage vampires. And the chick, who could have been me when I was a teenage chick, has a giant teenage crush on one of them. So yes, the writing is extremely poor, but at least it takes me somewhere, that somewhere being high school maths and my first massive crush on a boy named Scott. It’s naïve puppy love in word form, and after all the shit that I’ve copped from men during my adult years, I like being reminded of those times. First strike for The Hunger Games: it doesn’t have anything to distract you from its terrible writing.

And then there’s Katniss…

A first person narrator is a great idea when you want your reader to engage with them, you know? Really get into their head? But if you’re going to give your reader a glimpse into a mind, make sure there’s something in there, seriously. I didn’t think it was possible to create a protagonist dumber than Bella Swan (note that I have not read 50 Shades of Grey – also note that I did not add “yet” to that note), but here we are. Tough, yet soft, loved by many but completely unaware, loved by one in particular but so fucking self-deprecating that she thinks he’s doing it for the ratings… and so on, and clichéd so on. I do not care about anything this stupid character says, does or thinks, and so by extension, I do not care about anyone else in the story. Without empathy there is basically no reason at all for me to be reading the story, beside the fact that I started reading it, and now I want to know what the fuck happens.

I think my annoyance really kicked in, however, when I got to the end and saw that there were two pages of a simple interview with the author. And, stupidly, read them.

How did you come up with the idea?

After flipping between two TV channels showing a reality TV show and actual war footage. Fucking genius, I am so inspired. To research for the story she drew on her father’s knowledge of hunting and foraging, and “read a big stack of wilderness survival books”. Indeed. But the clincher came when she was asked why she chose to write about such a serious topic and then shared her father’s experience with war and his insistence that his family “understood about certain aspects of life”; ie. war is serious business and needs to be discussed.

I am telling you now that this book does not contain a serious treatment of war and its effects. You do not read this book and think “oh wow, war is so bad, we need to work together as a species and stamp it out, provide a better future for our children…” – you read this book and think “that Kat chick is AWESOME”. Admit it. Hell, there isn’t even a fucking war, it’s a game show. If anything, the war-related message contained within is “don’t even think about rising up against inequality and injustice or future generations of your children will die as punishment”.

How about capitalism and economic inequality? Totalitarianism? Rampant consumerism? All of these things are right there, but again, they’ve been glossed over and glorified in the way in which they’re treated. Yeah, life is bad for those living in the poorer sectors, we feel sorry for them and we can see that the system is wrong. But that’s about it.

If the system is so wrong, why isn’t it crumbling? Why isn’t anyone rebelling? Why didn’t the author make it crumble?? After reading the book and beginning to write about it I then ended up watching the movie, and yes, there are the beginnings of a rebellion in that. And apparently that’s what happens in the later books. But I don’t think that counts in this discussion because a) I’m talking about this book, the first one, and will not be reading the others based on my reaction to it. But also b) in the interview that I’ve mentioned it is stated that this wasn’t planned as a trilogy, and the reason it was continued is because “Katniss does something that would never go unpunished in her world. There would definitely be repercussions.” Not because there was something more to be said about the fucked up state of our potential future, but because there was more drama to be written about (and cashed in on).

This author created an opportunity for herself to provide some serious social commentary on issues that are immediately pertinent to us, right now. And she claims to be doing so, when in actual fact all she’s done is written a kickass story about a kickass TV event where a kickass chick kicks some ass, and has a bit of a think about love and life along the way. I find that frustrating, that someone who has managed to grab the attention of a worldwide audience has done so through sheer mediocrity, and essentially squandered the opportunity to engage in some serious discourse. I think that is why I dislike it, not just because it is so badly written, but because there is actually scope there to really challenge the mindsets of the masses it has reached and their blind acceptance of this structure that contains us, scope that has been, quite simply, wasted.

But you know, in saying that – would the book have reached so many if it was written differently? Here’s some food for thought: that The Hunger Games, in both its creation and content, is a metaphor for itself. It is simple, shiny and easily digested, as is the very TV show contained within. It makes entertainment fodder of serious world issues, serious to the point of life and death, as does the very TV show contained within. And just like the TV show, the only reason that poorly written tripe like this can get published is because we have given it an audience.

“What if everyone just stopped watching? … No one watches and they don’t have a game. It’s as simple as that…”

“Won’t happen.”

3/10, because if nothing else, I read the whole thing.

“real women”

“Real women *insert descriptive phrase here*” – when I first heard (or more properly, read) the words, it was with bemusement. Next came mild irritation, followed swiftly by severe irritation (I tend to suffer from Sudden Onset Irritation), and culminating in absolute fucking loathing. I loathe the words.

Let’s break them down.

“Real women *something something*” is a statement which claims that, well, “real women” *something something*. The most commonly heard *something something* is *have curves*, or a variant such as *are not whatever stupidly small size you are*. But “real women” have also been known to *lift weights*, *squat*, *be fit*, and even *bench press their own body weight*. I personally think that last expectation is a bit much, but there are people out there who believe that a real woman really is able to do everything (whilst simultaneously doing nothing, but hey). “Real women *something something*”

*something something* is a representation of the desires of the speaker, and usually conveniently matches their own (usually) physical state.

“Real women” is a load of absolute shit.

The phrase is used by people in order to justify, not even who they are, but what shape they are (repeat that, slowly: to. justify. what. shape. they. are.) to themselves and others, at the expense of anyone who is not like them.

.

Many women have ranted about this issue and I have seen some common arguments out there, the first of them being the somewhat superfluous “so what, I’m imaginary?” Logically, it’s sound, yes – but I think it’s a little obvious and unnecessary. Another common argument is “c’mon now, ALL bodies are beautiful!” Another unnecessary argument, and, I’m going to be brutally honest here – it’s not entirely true, is it? Some bodies are outstandingly aesthetically pleasing, some bodies are pretty horrendous. Most of them are just nice and normal and lovely and fine. Same with noses, and teeth, and elbow skin that looks like vaginas. But see, I don’t think that’s the real issue here, it’s not about whether your body is gorgeous or grotesque or pretty much the same as everyone else’s. It’s about what you’re doing to other people in order to feel better about yourself.

It’s about being a judgemental, spiteful bitch.

That’s essentially what you’re doing.

Glorifying a body type is inherently offensive to all others. You cannot argue out of that fact. Prefer, strive towards, be proud of, that’s fine! But to laud one over all others carries with it the inevitable side-effect of putting shit on someone else, and that is my issue with “real women”. As far as I can tell, “real women” are not curvy or fit, or powerful or chaste; they’re nasty, immature schoolgirls.

Just quietly, it doesn’t bother me how you feel about yourself. I don’t like the idea of people hating themselves, I do have empathy, but unless I am emotionally close to you and somehow able to help, caring too much about how much you love you is… well, it’s pointless. And quite often, those feelings can’t be changed, by me or you. What I do care about, what does directly affect me, and what we can all try to change, is how the people around us are affected by the expression of our feelings. Look, I have been blessed with a pretty decent metabolism, I am still considered quite slim, rarely watch what I eat, and have been described using a range of words on the pretty-hot-beautiful spectrum – and most of the time, I don’t like me. Sometimes, I hate me. Sometimes, I can’t even look people in the eye, I hate me so much. What I’m trying to get across here is that I have enough trouble feeling good about me with only my own negativity to deal with. I don’t need negativity from anyone else. And neither do you!

You cannot always, or easily, change the way you feel about yourself. But you can change the way you treat others, and you can start by not being a hateful bitch toward them your for own personal gain. And maybe after a while, if everyone is that little bit nicer to everyone, you can stop caring so much about your shape. Imagine being given the chance to drive through some of the most amazing places on earth, along the most breath-taking coastlines, through beautiful forests and fields, really experiencing this life on this planet and the wonder that’s just waiting for you to acknowledge it. Now imagine that you got to the end of that drive and realised that you had wasted the entire trip bitching about what sort of car you were driving.

Do you really want to end like that?

The term “real women *something whatever*” is complete and utter tripe, and I am publicly denouncing any of you who use it. Curvy women, denounced. Fit women, denounced. And if anyone ever claims that “real women eat whatever they want until they get doughy in their thirties and try to cover it up with high-waisted pants” I will denounce them too. Not because it’s nonsensical, or because we should all love our bodies; because it’s inherently nasty and indicative of spite in your own nature.

To “real women”, both the concept and those claiming to be one:

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