This Article Titled “23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged When You’re 23”

by bumbalee

Maybe I woke up grumpy today – that’s a perfectly redundant statement, I wake up grumpy every day.

Maybe I stayed grumpy today, maybe I’m extra tired… maybe the sound of screaming children at 7:30am punched a hole in my aura next to my heart and the darkness has rushed in like so much air infiltrating a vacuum bag that your cat has punctured with its big dumb claws. Or maybe I just really dislike asshole opinions and bad writing. Whatever the reason, this article is shitting me.

Overview: A 22 year old girl accuses her 22 year old fellows of hiding from life inside the institution of marriage and missing out on all the things, and provides a list of said things that you should do before selling out and settling down.

Hey there, sweety-dear – your view of marriage is not infallible fact. This view, that:

“It is a way for young people to hide behind a significant other instead of dealing with life’s highs and lows on their own. It’s a safety blanket. It’s an admission that the world is just too big and scary to deal with it on your own; thus, you now have someone that is legally obligated to support you till one of you dies or files for divorce.”

is limited, negative, and entirely subjective. It’s also really fucking condescending. If two people decide to get married, then they must be in a relationship to start with. And if they’re in a relationship, that usually means that they have feelings for one another. Who are you to make comment on that? You, by your own admission, at the age of 22, have no idea who you are and what you’re doing; why do you think, then, that you are qualified to pass judgement on someone else and what they’re doing?

I am 35 years old and I have yet to be in a serious relationship (I don’t think that what happened between 15 and 17 really counts). So when the topic of relationship advice comes up, do you know what I say? “I have never been in a serious relationship, so I’m not qualified to give advice.” That’s a hint to you.

I also highly doubt that you have “already experienced more of the world in the last 22 years than [your] married peers will ever experience in their life”. You’re 22, not 72, and for the first 18 or so of those 22 years you were doing exactly the same fucking thing as them: being a pain in the ass kid. Maybe if you were 32, minimum, and 8 years divorced from a failed early marriage, I would concede that you could be justified in giving life advice. Paradoxically though, 32-year-olds don’t generally go around telling people what to do, they’ve learned to keep their fool mouths shut and let people make their own life choices.

I won’t bother picking out the finer details of the article, pointing out that marriage doesn’t actually render you incapable of being able to “grow, learn, travel, party, cuddle, read, explore”, or that “those friends are going to get knocked up and fat soon soooo in retrospect, who really is winning here?” is the most immature, snide comment that I have read in the last… week, surely. I’ll leave that to you, the reader. What I am going to get straight to is The List:

23 things to do instead of getting engaged before you’re 23

1. Get a passport – “fill out a bunch of paperwork, pose for a stupid photo and fork out a wad of cash”; what a fucking achievement.

2. Find your “thing.” – You might find your “thing” at 15. You might find it at 50. Some people don’t ever find it, and even more people don’t actually have one. Most importantly though, marriage need not stop you from doing this.

3. Make out with a stranger – Did you never go to a dance in high school?

4. Adopt a pet – I… what? A pet??

5. Start a band – I… what? What cliched world have you lifted this one from?

6. Make a cake. Make a second cake. Have your cake and eat it too – Make. a. cake. If the percentage of people in the Western world who reached the end of their childhood without having made a fucking cake is higher than 10%, I’ll eat a fucking sock.

7. Get a tattoo. It’s more permanent than a marriage – That’s some stellar advice right there. Make it a Chinese/Japanese symbol for “moron” and place it on your lower back.

8. Explore a new religion – Why? What if religion doesn’t interest me?

9. Start a small business – Again, why? I have no interest in starting my own business.

10. Cut your hair – In the words of a friend:

“Really – get a pet? Make out with a stranger? CUT YOUR HAIR? Is she Amish?”

11. Date two people at once and see how long it takes to blow up in your face – That’s just nasty. Why advocate toying with people’s feelings?

12. Build something with your hands – Again, high school.

13. Accomplish a Pinterest project – Holy shit. Excuse me while I bow down in the face of everything that you have achieved.

14. Join the Peace Corps – see points 8 & 9 and adjust accordingly.

15. Disappoint your parents – I feel like a fucking parrot. High school.

16. Watch Girls, over and over again – That sounds like a valuable use of my time and energy, and if it’s going to make me grow as a person…

17. Eat a jar of Nutella in one sitting – you so ZANY!

18. Make strangers feel uncomfortable in public places – Welcome to my world, Sweetpea.

19. Sign up for CrossFit – No. I don’t want to. I have no interest in doing that.

20. Hangout naked in front of a window – zany AND sexual *reow*

21. Write your feelings down in a blog – Yes, I should do that immediately, before I fall in love and my ability to convey thoughts through words is lost underneath a never-ending pile of wet towels and faded men’s trunks with one small hole right underneath the waistband (big enough to be annoying, not big enough to justify throwing them out just yet). Also – HIGH SCHOOL.

22. Be selfish – Do you even know any married couples? Apparently that’s all they do.

23. Come with me to the Philippines for Chinese New Year – I think I’d rather have root canal surgery*.

*the funny thing about that is that I actually would, I have an infection that I’m dying to get rid of.

I appreciate that you’re living it up and having the time of your life, but not only do you not have any right whatsoever to impose your views on anyone, your views are also extremely skewed. I’ll discuss them over the weekend with my friend who just came home from an amazing trip to India with his wife, and my younger sister who married at age 23 and would not give up her husband and two sons for anything in the world. There is no: “It literally isn’t me, it’s them.” No one is making the wrong decision.

Also, just giving you a little heads up: you don’t actually have as much time as you think. See, while you’re running around becoming you, evolving into the sort of person that people will want to marry, other people are getting married. By the time you’re “ready”, your market will have decreased significantly, and on top of that, you’re going to be so worldly and experienced and amazing that you won’t be willing to put up with the shit that people your age now are willing to put up with. I can see your future – and there’s a lot of red wine and cat hair up in that shit.

2/10 – because you’re published and I’m not